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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga

Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-03-19 17:14
Subject: More malcontent
Security: Public
Tags:casa
Let's continue from the Book of Jared, Chapter 2, Verses 1-10:

SATURDAY NIGHT

* Moments after posting the tirade on the Sears people, the felchers arrive. They were there SEVEN MINUTES. Yes, they carried in a dryer, hooked up the gas, vented it and left in SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES. Four hours of waiting, SEVEN MINUTES.
* Dinner at Red Robin. Now, I like the Red Robin. I don't love it, but I have a high-level of like. It's like Zebb's if it were a national chain. Now, if Zebb's ever offered bottomless fries like the RR does, watch out. I'd be off the Weight Watchers and looking like my father. Anyhow, RuPaul was working the door (the wife insists that he was not in drag, but what does she know) and put us at the table closest to the door. Not only did we have a steady breeze, but it had the worst television viewing angles. Considering that we're in the middle of March Madness, this is key. Dinner was good. We had two orders of fries. I had the California Chicken Burger. Our waitress was surprised at how quickly we ordered. I told her that we both have the same thing when we come here. Water. Beer. California Chicken Burger for me. Turkey burger for the wife. Now I'm rambling.

SUNDAY
* Chuck from DIRECTV arrives promptly at Noon. Mind you, his window of arrival was 8-12. I'll give him that, considering that shit for brains sonofabitch from yesterday (I believe his name was Javier) dispatched him to, wait for it, the house we no longer live in. Yes, they sent him to Liverpool. Neverfuckingmind that DIRECTV has been to my house TWO TIMES since we moved. That stupid cappuccino ordering bastard at the Tijuana call center sent the driver to the OLD LOCATION.

Chuck, who has all the personality of a tape dispenser does the usual diagnostics on the receiver that isn't working and determines that there is a bad line going to the TV. He asks who did the install. I give him the two goobers, by name. Chuck's response was a silent head-nod, followed by a sigh. I also told him about the hunks of shit they left on the floor in my basement. Chuck simply closed his eyes and walked away. (SIDE NOTE: When DIRECTV calls I'm going to fucking bleed them for months of free service.) Turns out Chuck was right -- there was a bad line coming out of the multi-switch and going to my TV. When I ask him why the original installers didn't notice, his answer was, "For the same reason they didn't clean up after themselves." I love Chuck. When he told us the TV was working and that we'd actually be able to watch all of our channels from bed, I thought the wife was going to invite him back upstairs.

Listen, I know these guys don't get paid thousands, but at the same time they could do a little quality control, you know?

* It occurs to me that I ordered some stuff directly from Oxo a week or two ago. I love Oxo stuff. Anyhow, I call Oxo to find out the status. Yeah, it hasn't shipped yet. I ordered it on Sunday the 11th. They haven't shipped it. And, the assbags can't cancel it because it's being processed. Insane. Against my better judgment, I go to Wal-Mart and buy what I need -- a compact dish rack, drain board and sink caddy.
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-03-17 17:02
Subject: The dwelling of my malcontent during the winter of my discontent
Security: Public
Tags:casa
Okay. As many of you know, we bought a house. We moved Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday. Since moving, I've begun to question the wisdom of a lot of things. There are small things -- how society hasn't collapsed from the weight of Wal-Mart, how whole states haven't collapsed from the shear weight of the missing teeth of the people who shop at Wal-Mart -- to the much larger -- how companies stay in business with shoddy service, why there hasn't been an international revolt against the shoddy treatment of customers. Instead, I will share my venom with you:

MONDAY:

* DIRECTV installer Phil shows up to perform a mover's connection. You've seen the commercials with the "Way You Move" song. The smiling DIRECTV guy comes to your house, uses a screwdriver to put a dish on your roof and *PRESTO* you magically watch TV. Phil (who has all the looks and charm of a child molestor) tells me that one of the fuckos at the call center processed me for a hi-def dish. This is comical, because I don't have HD. The problem is that they cannot downgrade a work order, so I have to call DIRECTV, explain the situation, cancel this order and open a new one. Disappointed, but I understand.

* Previous to that, while finishing up with our great moving company (I highly recommend the chaps at Ralph Palmisano Moving, 315-422-7303), I hit a patch of ice and went all Joe-Pesci-from-Home-Alone. Since then, I've had enormous pain in my side. I've been assured that I didn't puncture or break anything, but the searing pain and occasional blood-laced cough has been discouraging.

TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY-THURSDAY:

* I went back to work. Disappointment in and of itself.

THURSDAY EVENING:

* DIRECTV returns to install the dish at 2:30. I greet Bobby and Nick and find out that they are back to install a (wait for it) HD dish. I tell Bobby that this needs to get fixed. For four hours (FOUR hours), the duo sit in their truck and wait for authorization from some fuckhead to do the install. Around 6-ish, their supervisor shows up and waits with them. They install and wrap up around 8.

* After they leave, I go to turn on my upstairs television and find that I cannot get my local stations. An inconvenience, but livable.

* We decide that we're going to buy a gas dryer. They are cheaper to operate and we're anticipating a $100 visit from our electrician to hook up the electric dryer we already have. Makes sense. In theory. We arrange for a delivery on Saturday between 2:45 and 4:45.

FRIDAY:
* I stayed home to put stuff away and run errands. I had to move some last items from our old house -- some of it is here, some is in the trash and some has been thrown in a pile near the back of the garage. Let the next asshole deal with it. As I go to pick up my prescriptions, I find that they aren't there. Soooo, I make a personal visit to the doctor's office and ask those assbags to send it again. I don't know if they appreciated it, but life is going to go on for them.

* Just an interruption...I'm watching the Butler-Maryland game. Butler has a guy named Stiker and I keep thinking of the movie Airplane. Heh.

* We decide to order pizza for dinner. We call Cam's and order two large -- one cheese, one shroom. She tells me $27. I say, "No, I only ordered two pizzas." She says, "Yes and they cost $27." I cancel the order.

* burrito19 and Chris come over. We watch TV as they regale on their water-logged week.

* The wife finds that our basement was left a mess by the DIRECTV guys. Insulation on the floor, ceiling tiles are not replaced and mud everywhere. I pen one angry motherfucker of an e-mail. DIRECTV responds almost immediately with a promise to have someone contact us about how to make it right. It helps to threaten that you are giving up your satellite for cable once or twice in the e-mail.

SATURDAY:
* Now the receiver in our bedroom is showing NO channels and the downstairs TV (which has a dual tuner DVR) won't record unless you watch the same channel (rendering it a single-tuner). I spend 57 minutes on the phone with Javier, who at one point orders a caramel cappuccino at one point. We figure out how to fix the DVR, but the upstairs TV is still fucked. DIRECTV is coming Sunday morning to make the fix.

* I get to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. They aren't ready because those cocklicking, bloodsucking, shiteating, pissdrinking, pigfuckers at Excellus say that I already had this script filled once this month. Let me say this -- I HAVEN"T!!!!!!!!!! The girl at Kinney says she'll fix it. I wait. She's cute, except she has fucking spacers in her ears. She has no clue that one day her ear lobes will be sagging past her breasts because of those things.

* Speaking of breasts, it was "Irish Girls Bring Your Tits" day at Lowe's. Every girls who looked close to being Irish was wearing a low cut shirt and heaving their breasts at you. The girl at the returns desk (who bore a striking resemblance to the guy who sold me my car -- mustache and all), the little sluts in kitchen and bath, the 50-year-old head cashier who was babysitting the self-checkouts...tits galore.

* I hook up the washer and go about my business. Some time later, the wife hollers up to tell me that the laundry room is full of water. Hmm. So, we mop up and tighten everything. Surely, that will fix it.

* An hour later, the wife tells me that there is more water. So, I go downstairs and am totally befuddled. We mop up and I sit down to tighten everything some more. We test the washer by filling it with some water, turning it off and starting the spin cycle. As we run the spin cycle, I notice that water is SEEPING from the bottom of the washer. In my latest "what the fuck" moment, I pull the plate off the back that surrounds the drain nipple (yes, it is called a drain nipple). The plastic tubing I had put in earlier today had too long of a head on it to get a good seal. The very top of the tube was dislodged by the end of the nipple. Sooooo, I trim the top of it and reclamp it. All the while, water is just leaking...from the nipple, the drain tube, the washer, the whole motherfucking thing. My pants are soaked through to my ass. My wool socks are STUCK to my feet. We test it again, no water comes out. Huzzah. I change.

* I change and go back to what I'm doing, waiting for the deliver guys from Sears to bring my dryer. 2:45 comes and goes. 3:45 and no sign. At 4:45 I call Sears. They tell me that I'm 18th of 18 stops for the day and the felchers driving the truck are only at 15. At this point, I feel like Greg Oden and want to throw someone (watch ESPN for the highlight). So, I demand a refund of my delivery fee. She offers a $15 gift card (for what? Maybe I can buy a pillow sham?). I demand a supervisor.

The supervisor is no help. He can't issue refunds and the best he can do is say that he is sorry. He did offer me a $30 gift card, which I took. Now I can buy TWO pillow shams.

* It's 5:45 and the felchers aren't here yet. I swear to God, if they aren't here by 6, I'm going to lose it. The late Steve Howe (a relief pitcher for the L.A. Dodgers and New York Yankees) used to tell stories about throwing his poodle when he lost a game. This is one of those moments where I wish I had something to throw. Of course, this is also one of those moments where I could get into Steve Howe's other hobby (research it for yourself).
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-03-07 18:25
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
1: name? Jared
2: are you single? Yes...my Siamese twin was removed long ago
3: favorite colors? PMS 483C, PMS Reflex Blue
5: least favorite color? PMS 123C
6: what are you listening to? Virgin Radio's Geoff Show
7: are you happy with your life right now? eh
9: what is your favorite class in school? I love surveys written for high school kids
10: do you shop at Hollister/Abercrombie/AE? I don't think they go up to my waist size
11: how do you make money? Hooking. Teaching. Preaching. Loving.
12: where do you go to school? NOWHERE. I'M AN ADULT WHO FILLS OUT SURVEYS TO KILL TIME.
13: are you outgoing? When necessary.
14: one word to describe you? Bloated
15: favorite pair of shoes? My black Crocs
16: do you own big sunglasses? Nope
17: where do you wish you were right now? asleep
18: what should you be doing right now? Teaching a class
19: do you have a crush on anyone right now? Giada, Sheryl, Cobie. My big money hunnies.
20: current mood? Tired


THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble? Yes
Can you do a cart wheel? No
Can you touch your toes? Oh, God no.
Can you whistle? Occasionally.
Can you wiggle your ears? Yep.
Can you wiggle your nose? Ditto
Can you roll your tongue? Yes
Can you cook? Like you don't know.

THE DIDS:
Did you ever get into a fist fight at school? I'm a lover, not a fighter
Did you ever run away from home? I don't run anywhere.
Did you ever want to be a doctor? For 10 minutes
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? For 5 minutes
Did you ever volunteer? Used to. Now I don't do anything without getting paid.
Did you ever kiss someone younger than you? Probably.
Did you ever watch a movie 3 times in a row? Yeah.
Did you ever wish you had a sibling? I always wanted a little sister.

THE DOS:
Do you have a best friend? No, not really.
Would you do anything for that friend? Maybe
Do you believe in karma? Yeah.
Do you own a bike? No
Do you think you could be on those reality shows? No. I don't believe in reality.

THE DOES:
Does hair loss run through your family? Nope
Does your car get good gas mileage? Nope
Does your family have family picnics? I barely have a family.

THE HAVES
Have you ever been kissed? A couple of times
Have you ever gone fishing? Once
Have you ever re dated people? I barely even dated people.
Have you ever kissed in the rain? Probably.
Have you ever been in a serious car accident? Once

THE HOWS:
How did you find out about Myspace? My sister. What a tool.
How many of your friends on it have you seen? Most.
How much money do you have on you right now? Two bones.

THE LASTS
Last thing you said out loud? I hate this shit.
Last thing someone said to you? Me too.

THE WHATS:
What is the temperature outside? Fuck you cold.
What was the last restaurant you ate at? Sakana-Ya.
What was the last thing you bought? Coffee
What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee
What was the last thing on TV you watched? The SU-UConn game.

THE WHOS:
Who was the last person you IM'd? Jeremy.
Who talked to you on the phone last? My wife.
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Me, actually.
Who was the last person to leave you a comment? ?

HAPPY SECTION:
Are you a happy person? Sometimes.
Is being happy overrated? Oh yes.
Can music make you happy? Yes. The Gypsy Kings can do it.

LOVE SECTION:
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them? This is such shit.
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'I love you' to you? Yes. Then I untied myself and ran away.

RELATIONSHIP SECTION:
Are you shy around someone you like? Used to be. Now I just roll over and ignore her.
You like holding hands? Why do I do these things? Am I that bereft of shit to do?
Do you like cuddling? This is like asking if I like mustard. Sure. I like cuddling. And I like mustard.
Do you like spontaneous kisses that come out of nowhere? I don't deal well with surprises.
Do you like being held from behind/around the waist? Ah, the reacharound.

LOOK AT ME:
What is your current hair color? Brownish, reddish, slightly graying.
Current piercings? Only the sound of the heater in my room.
Have any tattoos? None
Straight hair or curly? My leg hair is mostly curly. My head hair is basically straight.
Current Hair style? A mess.

CURRENTLY WEARING:
What shirt are you wearing? My fav turtleneck
Necklaces? No, but I'm wearing a bellychain.

HAVE YOU EVER:
Hugged someone? No. I'm that emotionally drained.
Been on the phone until the sun came up? This I've done. There's nothing worse than talking to someone all night, especially a member of the opposite sex, and never getting anywhere with them.
Laughed so hard you cried? Many times.
Pulled an all nighter? Once. Dumb move.
Ate cat food? Am I 80 years old?


THE LAST:
Person you talked to in person? Another adjunct.
Person you talked to? Same.

RANDOM.
Do you like surveys? They have complete control over me.
What soap do you use? PanOxyl.
Do you have mental breakdowns? Like you don't know

CURRENT:
Current mood? pissed at this survey
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-03-04 13:44
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public


Jealous, Person-Abducting, Villager-Eating Nightmare from the Twisted Isle


Get Your Monster Name

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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-02-15 18:17
Subject: Listen
Security: Public
I understand that not everyone can afford an SUV, all-wheel drive vehicle, four-wheel drive vehicle, etc. But, here's my problem -- if you insist on driving a Honda Civic, VW Jetta, Dodge Neon, Chevy Cavalier, Ford Focus, Hyundai Accent, Saturn anything, Toyota Prius/Camry, Nissan whateverthefuck, or any other car that could be alternately started by rubbing against a carpet and pressing a button on the roof, please, please, attempt to drive normally. Maybe life has cast you a shitty lot. Perhaps you like small cars. Maybe you think the gas mileage is important. All fine reasons. But, if you are going to insist on driving in a CNY winter with your shitass little fucking car without any fucking snow tires or insist on doing 20 MPH when the roads obviously are in good enough shape to do the 45 MPH speed limit, then please do not get mad if I honk, flip you off, or get up under you and nudge you into a ditch/body of water/mail box/oncoming traffic.

Thank you.
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-02-15 13:24
Subject: Survey Time Bitches
Security: Public
Location:The office
1. Ringtone: John Sterling "Thhhheee Yankeeeeees Winnnn." burrito19 gets Take Me Out. The Wife gets You May Be Right. My sister gets Enter Sandman.
2. Middle name:
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i [...] don't>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

1. Ringtone: John Sterling "Thhhheee Yankeeeeees Winnnn." <lj user=burrito19> gets Take Me Out. The Wife gets You May Be Right. My sister gets Enter Sandman.
2. Middle name:
<I don't have a middle name>
3. Zodiac sign: Virgo
4. Computer: MacBook
5. Crush: Giada, Giada, Giada

WHAT COLOR
1. Are your pants: Khaki.
2. Is your hair: Reddish brown with distinguished hints of gray
3. Are your socks: Tan
4. Is your shirt: Blue

RIGHT NOW
1. The closest thing to your left hand: The shift key.
2. Are you hungry: Just ate lunch.
3. Are you thirsty: Just drank a gallon of coffee.
4. Where are you: At my desk.
5. Is the light on: Yes and I'm getting snow glare.
6. Song listening to: Secret Smile//Semisonic.

ONE OR THE OTHER
1. Cookies or candy: Cookies.
2. School or work?: Naptime
3. Apple or banana: Banana.
4. Bed or couch: Bed.
5. Shower or bath: Shower.
6. Ps2 or xbox: Book. Remember those? BOOK.
7. Whipped cream or cherries: Cool Whip.

FAVORITE
1. Animal: Duck billed platypus.
2. Coin: Quarter
3. Song: Mika//Grace Kelly
4. Singer/band: Eric Clapton.

RANDOM
1. What do you wish you were doing right now: Not making huge mistakes on my database. Instead of coding a group of political donors as "Political Donors", I managed to code all 50,000 records in our database as such.
2. What's the last thing you bought: Ice cream and yogurt. Yesterday.
3. Are you wearing a belt: Yes. My handy dandy reversible Columbia belt.

LAST
1. Drink: Water.
2. Song you played: Monster//The Automatic
3. Meal: Turkey sub
4. Last thing you said: "Yeah, they're in the cabinet."
5. Word typed: Cabinet.
6. Place you went: Dunkin Donuts
7. Thing you thought about: How to get a urinal in my office. (I have to pee, but I don't really want to walk down the hall to the unisex.)
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-02-14 10:00
Subject: Man vs. Nature Conflict
Security: Public
Location:The couch.
Man vs. Man. Man vs. Himself. Man vs. Robots.

I offer you man vs. nature.










Call me what you want. I was not going outside this morning to help them out. I figure it this way:

1) They've neglected to fix the crater at the end of my driveway...the same crater that they are hung up in.
2) They drive a Toyota shitbox and live in Syracuse. If you drive a small car, you get what you get.
3) They went and got a new plow guy who was cheaper. He comes when he wants to, never when he needs to.

Besides, I'm warm and in my pajamas. My office is closed, the college is closed and I'm under a travel advisory. You think I'm going to ruin a good vacation day by being nice? My wife is the saint, not me.
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-02-12 17:14
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
For starters, if you haven't heard the song "Grace Kelly" by Mika, then what the hell have you been doing with yourself? If you have heard it, good for you. If you have heard it and don't like it, well, then I'm done with you. You are obviously a slob with no taste.

I've been carrying that around for a few days.

So, the house stuff continues. On a previous episode, you learned that our offer was accepted. A couple of days later, we met with the bank to take the next step into mortgage hell. Our realtor told us that we would have to have about $x,000 at closing -- a manageable number -- based on the FHA loan benefit that the seller pays 6 percent of the closing cost. After all, we had based our offer on that number. Well, she was wrong. Turns out we have to put down $x,000 + $2,600 at closing because while the seller pays 6%, we still have to cover 3% of the sale price at closing. Well, that hurt a bit.

But, as with all things, it worked itself out and we figured out how to make that happen without having to go on an all-Ramen diet. Actually, it was a lot easier than anticipated.

So, we moved to the house inspection. Essentially my garage is collapsing and I need to have electric service run for the dryer, since they use gas. No sweat. And the radon is a little high. Meh. $450 for guy to meander through the house. Pigfuckers.

We have been approved for the mortgage and the commitment is in hand. We have lined up insurance. We're figuring out our moving situation and seem to be on target for our mid-March closing. So, that's fun.

Of course, we haven't broken the news to the landlords. That ought to be fun. We're convinced that she took the security deposit and spent it on candy. The woman is constantly crying poor, which is why she won't fix anything in the house. Anyhow, we're sure she doesn't have $850 to produce as a security deposit and we know she's going to drop a deuce in her shorts when we suggest that she keep the security deposit as the last month's rent. Why you ask? Well, she and her sister own the duplex, which means that we write two checks each month to pay the rent. One to the sister (who lives next door) to cover the mortgage. The other goes to the absentee douchelandlord in Florida. And the sisters HATE HATE HATE each other. So, this could get fun.

Did I mention we don't have a lease? Ha!

My class is coming soon. Maybe I'll do a survey later. Hmm. That would be out of the ordinary for me.
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-01-31 17:54
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
Location:Room 113
Mood:fuck you cold
Music:The Killers on Virgin Radio
So, yeah, um. Hmm. On my first day of Weight Watchers, I had a 29-point lunch. So, 29 of my 44 points was spent at the midday meal. That's not good. I'm having a hard time getting used to the point system. Yesterday was okay. I used all of my points. Today, I was okay until about 5 p.m. On the way to class, I went to get coffee and decided to get a cookie. Sadly, that cookie was worth 13 points (590 calories, 29g of fat and 25g of dietary fiber). Whoops. This leaves me eight points for dinner. We won't be making that mistake again.

On encouraging note, I weighed myself today and, since Monday, I have lost 220 pounds. No typo. According to the scale, I weighed a Karen Carpenter-esque 130 pounds. Either the scale is broken, Weight Watchers REALLY works or my morning bathroom break was very productive.

***

Going to have some problems this weekend. We're going to my in-laws Saturday night for dinner. My mother-in-law, a fine cook, is making polenta. She makes it peasant-style. Potato-based, with a 1/2-pound of butter, two pounds of cheese, fried onions...I think I'm bringing a salad or some sushi. I have to check my math, but smelling the polenta is five points.

***

Home inspection was today. It turns out that 's garage might be structurally sound in comparison to ours. Our garage is pancaking. There's a simple fix which we'll employ when we move in, but until then we're crossing our fingers that it doesn't collapse.

The inspection went well, although I can't understand how it was a $450 visit. The radon test is $125 alone, which is just mindblowing to me. The house passed with some minor fixes (a little weatherstripping here, some wiring there) that I can do. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite handy. I can do electrical and plumbing work. I am just lazy as all fuck. Anyhow, one thing that did pop up was that the person who installed the hot water heater and furnace decided to run them off the same 20 amp breaker. Now, this doesn't sound like much, but it is:

1) Illegal.
2) Potentially dangerous.

So that's fun. We have to call an electrician in anyhow -- they have a gas dryer and we have electric. So, we need service run, which is not a bad thing because the circuit breakers and dryer are in the same room. All in all, we are fucking stealing this place.

***

On that note, I have nothing else to offer. Class is class. I'm fucking freezing -- I was outside for the first hour of the inspection and earlier tonight talking to some other profs who were smoking. I'm looking forward to a really hot shower when I get home tonight.
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Fine Wine and Mediocre Women...A Saga
Date: 2007-01-29 13:25
Subject: Weekend II: 41 points
Security: Public
Location:The office
Music:Stereophonics on Virgin Radio
I'm on Weight Watchers. It was a necessary beast. I'm at my highest weight ever (a svelt 350) and right now none of my suits fit. This is bad.

So, I enrolled in the web-based one. I can't deal with meetings and support groups.

I went to a clinical nutritionist once. The structure was great and a lost a lot of weight. But, unemployment led to overeating and blah blah blah. The result was a gain of around 120 pounds to my current weight.

Right now I get 41 points to work with, based on my height, weight, age, job and other stuff. The problem is that I had a 29 point lunch. Not good. Need to figure this out better.
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